I’m sure you are as pleased as punch to meet me here again. What can I say? Winter was extremely hard this year, heck this whole season has been one roller coaster of emotions and I am tired of not documenting it. I always have huge plans but lack the motivation to do any of it on most days. I can blame my underactive thyroid that has pushed me into a deep fog that is thicker than any jar of peanut butter or even the death of my mom, 6 years ago. Can that still be an excuse for not being motivated? Prolly not here in the world of nice. Where people often only feel things when it’s at the bottom of the bottle they just drank. Feelings are for feeling all the time and I’m just not one to keep them in anyways.. so onward and upward. A mind dump of all things motivating my heart to feel more and grow.
Even now I’m forced to admit my fear. As I do a quick catalog of the happenings in my life the past year, I’m reminded that I have failed in many many ways… and I totally will in the future, and that well, is paralyzing. Fear is a real feeling. It’s what keeps you in a straight jacket towards anything you want to accomplish.
What if I tell everyone that I want to open a coffee shop. A place where folks can come and hang out, tell stories to the next generation as they reminisce about the times gone by and get pie on Tuesdays and great coffee every day of the week? What if I also tell you that I purchased the building almost a year ago and that it really is going to happen eventually, but first I need to just say the words out loud in a manner that is freeing to me.
I am full of fear.
Seems funny huh? For a gal like me who loves to take risks and push the envelope to be afraid of something that so many people have actually accomplished in their lives?
The Christian in me is on repeat. “Fear Not. Fear Not. Fear Not…” There is a reason its in the Bible 365 times.. so you have a reminder every day… so maybe my faith is lacking? That thought pushes me to think I have even failed at faith. sigh… it’s a never-ending cycle of fear.
I’m not afraid of the big picture of being married to a coffee shop. The early mornings, the late nights, the creating of events and the anticipation of the endeavor is exciting to my soul. The amount of people contact might be a shock to my system, but I can even deal with that. What then am I most afraid of?
What if I put the counter in the wrong spot? What if I decide on the wrong flooring? What if all the equipment doesn’t fit on the planned counter space? What if I do the books wrong and can’t make it next month? What if the planned stage is too small? What if those beams I want to take out are really 100% necessary? What if I make huge mathematical errors on the amount of money I need to even open?
You are trying to fix my fears.
In God’s infinite wisdom He has me here feeling these things for a reason and by me stating them out loud comes at a risk of you trying to fix me and tell me things like I have been telling myself for a super long time. Trust me, anything you say to me I have thought about and mulled over and over again and it still brings me back to..gosh darn it…fear.
So here’s to small steps on overcoming the fears that have paralyzed me for far too long. By writing this post and publically stating my intentions of creating a place in my hometown for the people to enjoy called swallow. Time to really just step into the promises that God laid down for me, and if I fail… at least I failed forward.
I know there are lots of questions floating around your head now. Like, When are we opening? I’d like to give you a set date, but that’s just not up to me. Lots of stuff needs to happen before we can even entertain that thought… so if you could, just pray for my steps to be sure and for my heart to be confident on God’s plan and timing. Believe me, I’m JUST as anxious to be at the end of this part of the journey as you are.. and if you know a contractor that would love the chance to put a bid together on this little project we’d love to talk to them.